The Book of the Holy Ghost
by OtherW
Summary: The hit sequel to the Bible, The Book of the Holy Ghost is the true story of the Holy Ghost, the forgotten member of the Holy Trinity as he is banished to earth and eventually leads a rebellion against Heaven. *Don't read if offended easily*
1. Prologue

Prologue

So. Hey. I'm the Holy Ghost. Yeah, that Holy Ghost, if you recognize my name. The Holy Trinity Holy Ghost. I bet if you're Christian you've been living your life praying to God and Jesus, and completely forgetting about me. That's fine. Everyone forgets me. If you're not Christian, that's okay. You're not left out. I bet you've heard of God and Jesus, but hardly anything about me. Well, it's time for that to change. There's been a bit of a coup d'état up in Heaven. I just killed God. Now I'm God 2. It's time for me to tell my story, and all you humans will know who I am. Prepare to pray to your new God, b-yotches.

(Sorry, I'm feeling a little high on happy right now.)


	2. Verse I: I Am The Holy Ghost

Verse I

I Am The Holy Ghost

"Eat cloud dirt, bitch!" I hardly had to follow orders- the speaker's arm was already slamming into the soft ground. My body bounced back, and I was practically upright again. Jesus swore, and let go.

"This is such a fucking waste of time! We need harder ground. I'm talking to Dad." Jesus stormed away, leaving a quickly fading set of footprints in the thick clouds, and leaving me alone. So. I'm the Holy Ghost. I live up here in Heaven with my dad God and my asshole brother Jesus. Even though this is Heaven, my life up here sucks. Every day, God hands me a huge stack of religious propaganda and makes me go door-to-door trying to convert people to Christianity. Yeah-that's right. There are non-Christians up here in Heaven. When God bought the property a while back, there were already a bunch of people living here. God asked them to leave, but they got all angry, and one of them threw a rock at his face. God incinerated him, but felt bad about it later, and swore he would never use violent means on the "squatters" again (he insists he was there first, but I clearly remember otherwise). These people-screw it, let's just call them "Squatters"-get extremely angry when I come up to their doors, and try to advertise the love of my brother and father. It was about an hour after I had one of my daily pummels from Jesus when I went for my daily 3 hours of promoting, and something bizarre happened. To be more precise, the very moment that started the series of strange and unlikely events that flipped Heaven upside-down.

I had reached the end of Ophanim street when I reached a new house. It was bright red, and had a general sense of hell about it. I shrugged my shoulders, and knocked on the door. There was immediately a loud coughing sound, followed by the door opening with a loud billow of green smoke floating out. I probably would've coughed, but I didn't have a nose or lungs (I do have a Magic Voice Void, though). Lo and behold, a dark figure started lurking through the clouds, and stumbled drunkenly through the doorway.

"Woahhhhh... What the firkin? Is it Halloween already? Some kid covered with a sheet...and a cross glued to his forehead? Duddddeee...what are you supposed to be?" The cretin started grabbing at me with a grubby finger.

"Excuse me! I'm the Holy Ghost- this is not a sheet, and this cross is not glued to my forehead. That's a part of me- OW! You stupid pothead!" The fool had grabbed on to my beautiful Head-Cross and was trying to take it off. I managed to slap him away, but not before he had gotten smudged fingerprints all over the thing.

"Holy Ghost...dudddeeee. I've heard of you. You're part of the Holy Four or whatever."

"Holy Trinity you oaf. C'mon, it even sounds cool. You could bother to remember it." At this point, I was ready to leave, and was starting to turn around before realizing that God was going to be angry if I didn't ask the pothead to join Christianity. I sighed, and took a deep breath, right before the pothead began blabbering.

"Huh! Holy Trinity, huh dude? Cool name. Mine's Cain." He stuck out a greasy hand.

"Wha-Cain?!" I yelped. Cain...he was famous. God had been going through a vegetarian stint for a few months when Cain had offered him meat. At the same time, God had just lost his TV remote, and he flipped out. He stamped a giant "ASS" to Cain's forehead, and then gave him eternal life because he suddenly felt sorry for him. Then he was angry again, and sent Cain to a massive wasteland God had cooked up while playing Minecraft. He had never been heard from again. Until now.


	3. Verse II: Cain and Drugs

Verse II

Cain And Drugs

It was Cain. The Cain.

I was utterly surprised, and the first thing that came to my head came out where my mouth would be if I had one.

"You're THE Cain...the one that killed your own brother?!"

Cain stared at me for a second, and then burst into laughter. "Dudddee...you talking about Abel? Heh, more like 'Unabel', right dude?"

He really didn't seem to care about anything...

"So you are Cain...how did you get here?! What are you doing here?!" If God found out about this...

"Well, man, I was wandering out in the desert, eating whatever plants I found (it was funner to smoke it, though), when I fell down a dune, and, you won't believe this." He stopped at this point, and just stared at me with a excited look. I insisted he went on. "Dude, there was a jetpack, dude! I was so bored, I just strapped into it, and, damn!, I was in Heaven, dude."

I was not impressed. I was hoping for a real experience, and instead I ended up with a pothead's fantasy.

"Alright, you're insane, which makes you exactly the right person to preach to." I got out a pamphlet and handed it to Cain. "Mr..."

"My new last name's Starchild, dude."

"Mr...Starchild? (What in the name of my brother?) I am here to offer you a exciting world of possiblity. When you die, would you like to go to the best place ever?"

By this point, Cain had already started smoking something new, some concoction that looked like a mix of popcorn and fetus. "Wow. So cool dude, but I'm already-"

"YES, this magical place, this glorious place is called-" I stopped. I had never actually gotten this far in reading the script before. "...Heaven? Are you kidding? Are you serious?"

"Ha ha ha! Dudddeee...we're already in Heaven dude. It's pretty coo, you're right." Cain finished his Fetus-Drug and started drinking out of a rainbow bottle.

"How...how did they expect me to sell this? HOW DID THEY EXPECT ME TO SELL THIS?!" I threw the papers to the ground, and then floated over them repeatedly.

"Man, you gotta calm down. Dude, I feel so sorry for you. You're dad's such a hardass. Let me help you out, come in my shack, dude."

"I-I-" I was so angry that the next few minutes I don't remember...I just suddenly found myself on a dirty couch covered in unidentifiable leaves. Cain was coming from around a wall with a assortment of disturbing drugs in his arms.

"Dude, I brought you some candy. I bet you could use some!" He dropped the large pile on a small coffee table in front of me, and plopped down in the couch next to me.

"What the heck is this?" I mumbled, as I tried to shut myself off.

"Dude...you've never had candy before have you, dude? I'll start you on easy stuff, then. Have a bong, dude." He handed me a bizarre object that looked vaguely like a musical instrument. He took for himself a bag of black powder.

"What the heck is that?" I grumbled, pushing away the "bong".

Cain looked up with a crazy grin on his face. "Dude? This is Super Cocaine. I made it. It's the most powerful drug ever, dude."

"Super Cocaine? Are you kidding?"

Cain laughed, and then started taking some out. "Dude, this stuff is the shit. If anyone but me takes it, their head will explode. Your dad gave me infinite life and whatever, so I can take it. In fact, dude, I can take as many drugs as I want without death." He suddenly snorted the black powder, and slammed his head back into the air.

I was not convinced of anything. "Super Cocaine. Are you kidding?"

Cain started screaming, and continued to for another ten minutes. I would've left, but I was curious about the drugs. I had been stuck in the house for my whole life. I was getting interested in these bizarre circumstances outside the palace. Cain eventually calmed down.

"Woaaaahhh...wahh..woahh...SHIT! SHIT DUDE, SHIT!" He screamed right in my face, and started dancing in a circle.

My nice white covering was wet with spit now. I was done. I started to get up when I noticed something on the bong...initials. These stopped me flat. I picked up the bong to get a closer look. "J.C."

Cain stopped dancing and looked over. "Heeee...haaaaaa...did you take a hit yet, man? It's your bro's old tool, dude. I bet you'll feel him if you smoke that...feel his, like-" Cain was suddenly hit by another attack. He started slamming his crotch into the wall. I could only stare in disbelief at the bong.


End file.
